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Oh, broooklyn girls, I SO get it. It wasn't so long ago that I was a wide-eyed young gay hungry for the answers to a slew of my pressing questions about lesbian dating. It's hard out there for a new lez. We are taught the rules of the boy-girl dating game at an early age.
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Unfortunately char us, when we decide we prefer riding the queer train and hop off at station "Girl-On-Girl," there is no tour guide to greet us and lead the way which is particularly sad, seeing as lesbians make for excellent tour guides. It can feel wildly intimidating to be a little, vulnerable kitten tossed into a teeming cesspool of seasoned dykes.
I will never forget how terrified I was when I first realized I wanted to exclusively swim in the girl pond. I cha experience with boysbut boys were easy. I exerted zero effort into attracting boy creatures, but I learned quickly that I dhat really need to. All you have to do is bat a lash, act entirely disinterested, cold and bitchy, and boys will fall at your feet.
But girls are an entirely different kind of animal. Women aren't a simple stroll in the park; women are an uphill climb in dangerous weather conditions.
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Also, lesbian culture, by brrooklyn, is extremely elusive. We aren't like gay men who shamelessly advertise incessant fabulous gay parties all over the Internet. Please, dear god, make me a gay man in my next life. Unless you want to be thrown into a haphazard mix of other lesbian newbies at a bi-monthly girl party at a massive nightclub, you have to know people to find out where the experienced lesbians gather.
We're women. We don't like things that are too easily available, and the dating scene is no different.
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Our culture is like a secret deer sample sale advertised only to an exclusive group of people "in the know. Everything I learned about girl-on-girl dating was through trial and error. Lucky for you, I've made every rookie mistake in the book, and I'm here today to share my wealth of screw-ups. Some lesbians liked to be tight-lipped no pun intended about the gay underworld.
I'm clearly not one of those lesbians. I see it like this: It's hard enough to be gay in this cruel, cold, heteronormative world. We don't need to make it even harder on the young bloods by keeping our world so secretive. So here it is, kids: Zara's official dating tips for the newly out LEZ.
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Like I said, lesbians are elusive and hard to seek out, especially if you live in a small town. But don't fret. We ARE out there, no matter where you live. My one tip in meeting like-minded girls is to seek out another lesbian to be your wingwoman. Lesbians are usually nice and friendly to fresh meat and are more than happy to welcome you into the fold a little too happy sometimes. So where does one find this coveted mentor?
Is there a lesbian who tends a bar you frequent? Is your cool older brother friends with a cool older lesbian? Maybe your plumber is a lesbian for real, though. Well girl, don't be shy. Go and talk to her! Tell her you're part of the tribe and, most likely, she will invite you to her next rolm out with the ladies. If she's a cold bitch to you, well, shame on her. Send her my way, and I will set that mean lesbian straight.
Karma will surely bite her in the ass, and she will die, sexless and surrounded by aging cats. Seek out another, nicer lesbian mentor. And if you can't find a lesbian mentor, don't worry.
Mama's got a backup plan Go to the lesbian bar alone. If you don't have a lesbian bar in your town, get online and research a lesbian night somewhere in the surrounding area. I promise there will be one. Caht doesn't love a mystery woman who is sitting solo at the girl bar? I always talk to the girl by herself.
I think independence is sexy. At the end of the day, we are a community. And lesbians are so incestuous that we've all dated each other by now. We're perpetually thirsty for fresh gay blood, so being new on the scene actually works in your favor. Also, if you don't like bars, you're totally fine! Go to Meetup. There is always a lesbian art walk, or book club, or walk across the Brooklyn Bridge.
Can I meet girls at a non-gay bar? Well yes, duhhh, you can meet girls anywhere.
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However, I don't recommend girlfriend-hunting at a straight bar in those fragile early days of your gayness. I used to troll the straight bars when I was a new lez, and almost all the girls I thought were gay weren't. I made a huge ass hat out of myself. Or I broomlyn sat back and watched my straight girlfriends make out with fratty-looking boys, and I would just grow increasingly bitter and irritated and end up overdrinking and waking up depressed and hopeless and hungover.
It's no way to spend your youth. If they aren't, that's fine. They will let you know.
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But they have NO right to be offended by you hitting on them when in lesbian land. Remember, the homo bar is your territory, and you should feel empowered on your turf. No one is going to know you're gay just by looking at you everyone rocks short hair and flannel these daysso make sure everywhere you go, you slip in your sexual identity. Sprinkle in an "Oh, my ex-girlfriend did this I want to date her Gay news travels fast.
Before you know it, word will be out on the street, and straight friends will set you up with their gay friends. A friend setup is always the best way to meet cool people. Also, other gays, gays at the office, gays lesbin the family, gays at the gym, gays everywhere will come flying out of the woodwork.
If you're new to being gay, online dating is your best friend. Don't give me the prim "I don't like dating apps" garble.
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This is not a time in your life to be smug. And sadly, lesbian bars are being shut down at an alarming rate. With the great lack of queer spaces, if you want to get laid, you need to swallow your pride and swipe left and right.
Make sure you put in your bio what you're looking for. There are so many "straight" girls on Tinder who are just seeking out threesomes with their boyfriends. Annoying, I know, but girl, I had to do it, too. I didn't match with anyone for a while, until I put in my profile: Totally gay, seeking the same. I know, I know my outfit is slutty. That's when I started matching with the girls I liked. Total game changer. Who pays the bill? I think this was one of the biggest points of stress I faced when I first started dating girls.
Here is what I learned after years and years of relentless bill anxiety: You can, of course, split the check.
But ugh. Check-splitting isn't sexy.
It's wildly unromantic. And I don't know about you, but I crave r-o-m-a-n-c-e. I would rather foot the entire bill and I'm not a rich power lesbian, YET over going dutch any day of the week. The lines can already get easily blurred between friendship leabian love in lesbian land, so I think it's important to draw distinct lines. Keep your friends friendly and your dates datey.
If you're racked with fear about the whole bill thing, I have a simple solution: Offer to pay the bill. Be prepared to pay the bill.