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Warning: adult themes James, 31 Last winter I was in a pit of despair. I muwcle still a virgin at I felt unlovable and hopeless.
So, in November last year, I decided to share my story on YouTube and expose myself completely. I had nothing to lose.
Life barely seemed worth femalw so I just thought, why not? I had no idea that one video would change my life completely. BBC Three James now uses his video channel to talk openly about his mental health The year-old virgin video was my way of setting the record straight and explaining how a traumatic childhood, a bad attitude when I was younger and crippling social anxiety had led me here.
I also went back over some of my major insecurities, such as feeling like if I was just two inches taller, 6ft rather than 5ft10, women would find me more attractive. I was what the online community of involuntary celibate rsal - predominantly men who blame women for their failure to get laid - call a Kissless Handholdless, Hugless Virgin KHHV. I discovered this because, although the response to the video was largely positive and a lot of people said they could really relate to it, it also geal the attention of incels around the world.
Links to the video got posted in dark corners of the internet rea, 4Chan and 8Chan, forums where a lot of these women-hating guys vent their rage. Dozens of other incel forums have sprung up all over the internet in recent years, with some recording over 40, members.
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Some of the incels commenting on my video said things like that I should hire a prostitute to lose my virginity. Since then there have been fenale least three mass killings in North America linked to incel ideology. I remember coming across his YouTube channel a few years later and being really surprised that his videos - where he raged against women for rejecting him and outlined plans for his killing spree - were still up.
I admit that I watched them all. Instead, I was constantly thinking about all the things that were wwith with me.
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I never felt like I was good enough for a relationship. What I thought was edgy entertainment, like a musical meme, is actually really offensive to a lot of people and could cause serious upset to the families of the victims. I would never make something like that now. I definitely had opportunities to lose my virginity when I was younger but I had paranoia and social anxiety that stopped me.
Looking back, I can see that my troubled childhood played a part in my mental health issues. It was a bad combination of things. My parents got divorced when I was about seven. There was a lot of shouting going on and it felt like a threatening environment. My dad, especially, was in a bad place back then, he became quite an angry person. My worries over my looks really kicked in when I was about My nose got broken during a snowball fight after rugby practice.
It was February and the weather was freezing, and someone threw a block of ice at my face. It nearly knocked me out. I was just standing there nearly in tears.
I wanted to be a tough guy so I never told anyone about it, not reaal my mum. It left a big mark on my face.
That healed but it left a bump on my nose. I would play with in the mirror for hours, trying to fix it myself but I just made it worse.
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The acne cleared up but it left bad scars. I just felt like I wanted to hide away from the world. Courtesy of James James began worrying about his appearance after breaking his nose aged 13 Around that time, I started chatt porn and also got addicted to video wirh. I would bunk off school and sit in my bedroom for hours trying to escape from reality. It made me feel dirty and uncomfortable in my own skin, and that just fed into my insecurity.
When I was in my mid 20s, I decided to try and bulk up through weightlifting. I was convinced that having more muscles would make me more attractive to women.
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And, at first, it did help me feel a bit more confident. I started training regularly and entered some competitions - I liked musdle feeling of camaraderie that came with that. But then I started taking steroids and that screwed me up more than ever.
My hormones went haywire and I developed painful cystic acne on musclr back and chest - it looked horrible and used to bleed all over my bed sheets every night. We connected through my video.
She left a comment saying that she would date me and we started chatting. I just felt like it would be more special that way.
Sara lives in Italy, so we got to know each over video chat, and it just felt right from the start. We met up in person for the first time in May. I flew out to Italy where she lives.
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I was a bit nervous but seeing her waiting for me at the airport was just the best feeling. She has her own insecurities and was really shy at first but we had a great time. We walked and talked for ages, and ate incredible gelato and pizza. I just wanted to try everything with her. My favourite memory from the trip is just cuddling with her in bed.
She gives the best hugs, she really squeezes you and it just feels so good. BBC Three James chats to his new girlfriend who he met online Saying goodbye to her at the end of the week was terrible. We were both emotional. When I hear from young men online who are getting pulled into the incel world, I just tell them to get out there, to meet people and get the help they need. Otherwise, they will just fester alone in their bedrooms, like I did, and get sucked into an echo chamber of hate.
As told to: Serena Kutchinsky If you have been affected by any of the issues raised in this article, information about help and support is available here.